Then What Happened? Lessons From a Tough Client

An unexpected email. Source: Wikimedia Commons

Then What Happened?

Mix-ups happen. It’s part of life. The real question is “And then what happened?”

Some time ago I had an unexpected misunderstanding with a consult client. It happens, right?

In hindsight it was completely understandable. In the moment I was horribly embarrassed. I suspect she was too.

The trouble was I received an unexpected and unpleasant email. You know the sort. The shame and blame riposte. At the end of the email was a sarcastic well wishing.

My Heart Clenched

The first time I read it my eyes bugged. My heart clenched. My throat closed. I stopped breathing. Early scar tissue was tingling.

Don’t misunderstand. I was genuinely grateful that the client made the effort to write. I took it as brave. I suspect it was hard to send. I received it as an act of generosity. But, the tone shocked me.

I’ll give you some context. My communities act with kindness and generosity as a way of life. When friends and colleagues don’t live up to their own values they tend to own up to their humanity, recommit to living in alignment and move on. It creates an environment of kindness, generosity and safety for all of us. Do you hear me?

Conflict

Even though my frontal lobes processed the email as a bid for reconnection, emotionally I felt gutted.

My multiple minds were coming up with conflicting messages. My basic survival mind confirmed I was alive. The tiger claws of the client email had drawn blood but didn’t kill me. Whew. I lived.

My emotional mind felt betrayed. I was generous and got trashed. I’d made time for this client in a really packed week. I did something I don’t usually do. I offered a one-off business consult. I did research beforehand. I found a useful video. I prepared a word document to help them take their next step. I gave an unnecessary discount.

I was generous because I value helping other creative women in their entrepreneurial efforts. I love seeing the women around me do well. It makes me happy.

Her email accused bad intent. That hurt my feelings. At the same time I could empathize with her pain. My emotions where churning.

My rational mind told me such a strong email indicated it was mostly about the sender. I told myself to listen and be professional. But, as a professional I couldn’t voice the hurt and childish feelings I was experiencing.

Kindness & Generosity

Gottman’s research reveals that kindness and generosity go with long-lasting relationships. How could I bring kindness and generosity to this situation?

My response:

1. Okay. I acknowledged her feelings. Everyone deserves empathy. I wanted to meet her where she was suffering and validate her feelings.
2. Okay. I took full responsibility for all my actions including unintended oversights and consequences. Responsibility honors both of us and restores us to ourselves. Integrity builds trust.
3. Okay. I communicated self-respect for my time, skills, care and work. Self-respect in the face of criticism is essential to my ongoing sense of wellbeing.
4. Okay. I was generous in the face of meanness. At times like this I remember these famous words incorrectly attributed to Mother Teresa.
   

   The Paradoxical Commandments
   by Dr. Kent M. Keith
   People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
   Love them anyway.
   If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
   Do good anyway.
   If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
   Succeed anyway.
   The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
   Do good anyway.
   Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
   Be honest and frank anyway.
   The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
   Think big anyway.
   People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
   Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
   What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
   Build anyway.
   People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
   Help people anyway.
   Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
   Give the world the best you have anyway.
   © 1968 Kent M. Keith
   Source: Prayer Foundation.

5. Okay. I offered a 100% money back refund with no questions asked. I left it entirely up to her. “And now what would you like?”

The last time I did a refund was 20 years ago when I owned a retail store. I am fortunate and grateful to work with clients who love my web work, value my skills and want to pay me. I’m telling myself that one refund in twenty years isn’t such a bad track record.

What would you do?

Common Misunderstandings

A few years ago Smashing Magazine listed these common client and designer difficulties and ways to resolve them:

• Not knowing what you want.
• Feeling left out of the design process.
• Changing your mind midway through.
• Not understanding how design works.
• Not providing clear specifications.
• Unrealistic expectations.
• Struggling to pay on time.

Have you ever been there? I know I have.

Over To You

What unexpected client or designer situations have your experienced? What did you do that worked? What did you do that didn’t work? Share what you learned. What do you want in a current difficulty?

If you liked this post you might also enjoy What is Rapport? – Create NLP Rapport in Web Design Part 1 of 3.

Welcome! I’m glad you are here. Please enjoy this blog delivering NLP web design tips. I love to hear from you. Please add your comments below.

Copyright © 2014 Anna Hausfeld. All rights reserved.